Deadpool vs Hellsing
by Velvet-Clad
Summary: Who would win in a fight between Deadpool and Alucard?


Deadpool stopped outside the Hellsing gates, looking down at the tour map in his hands, an, "I love NY" cap atop his head.

"Is this the taco stand?"

*Does this look like a taco stand?*

~Yeah, an awesome one!~

*The map's upside-down.*

"Oh, hey, look at that, it is," Deadpool muttered, turning the map right-side-up.

~That doesn't look any better.~

"No, it doesn't."

~Is that a chimichanga stand?!~

"Where?!" Deadpool cried, looking over the map twice as hard.

~Hahaha!~

"You troll!"

*Can we just do what we came here for?*

"Yeah, yeah." The merc folded up the map neatly and threw it over his shoulder before walking through the gates. He met little interference as he strolled down the walk, taking in the large garden.

"Hey, would you call it a garden or a yard, seeing as we're in France?"

*England. We're in England.*

"Yeah-yeah, whatever." The White Box sighed.

~Hey, if we're in England, how about we go take pictures with the Queen?~

*We are not here to see the Queen.*

"~Oh, c'moooon!~" the two whined in unison, Deadpool slouching and letting his knuckles touch the concrete, looking pleadingly at the line of dialogue.

The White Box was about to continue when a high-caliber bullet met Deadpool's face.

The merc sat up, rubbing his cancer-ridden head. "Hey," he grunted, looking behind himself at the mess of blood, brains, and skull. "Are you two alright?"

~Eh, I've been better.~

*We're fine.*

Deadpool looked up at the roof of the castle, but he didn't see anything. He stood and continued to walk, pulling one of his spare masks out of his belt, removing the shredded remains of the old one and slipping the new one on.

"Do you think we should be sneaking?"

~Don't be ridiculous; your sneak's only at thirty-two, it wouldn't help.~  
"Yeah, I guess."

*Some level of stealth would help avoid another set back like that.* Deadpool sighed, getting close to the wall and softening his steps.

"Fine…"

Walter walked casually through the garden with an armful of heavy-duty cleaning supplies, Seras following calmly beside him, a body bag slung over her shoulder. When they reached the spot the intruder had been at, they saw the splatter of gore, but not the rest of the body. Seras blinked, confused and slightly afraid that she had made a mistake.

"I shot him in the head, I swear I did," she muttered.

"I have no doubt you did," Walter replied, looking the scene over. He looked off and saw a scrap of fabric discarded on the ground, several feet closer to the building. "Oh dear," he sighed.

"What?"

"Go inform Sir Integra that the intruder escaped, would you?" he asked. Seras nodded and hurried back into the house, leaving the body bag behind.

"I should have told her to bring a trash bag back as well," Walter muttered, beginning to clean up the gore.

~And then he exploded and there was this white, sticky stuff everywhere, all over everything!~

*We all saw Ghostbusters.*

~I like retelling it.~

*So it would seem.*

"Shh, hey, do you guys hear that?" Deadpool turned around to look behind himself, keeping his body flattened against the hall wall. Pip looked back at him, a pained expression on his face, several boxes of pizza in his hands. Deadpool straightened and turned to face him, eyeing the pizzas hungrily.

"Hey, uh," Deadpool began, still looking at the pizza. "Do you know where Alucard is?"

"Why do you want to speak wiz Alucard?" Pip asked, his tone matching his expression.

"I don't want to talk, I wanna shoot him in the face."

Pip was silent for a time. Deadpool stared blankly at him, seeming to wait for an answer. Eventually, the french sell sword pointed down the hall.  
"Up zree floors, cross to ze oder side of ze building, zen all ze way down. You won't miss 'im." As Pip again began walking up the hall, past Deadpool, he muttered, "'Ee zure won't miss you."

"Hey, thanks, Frenchie!" Deadpool called. Pip raised his hand to wave over his shoulder. The Merc With a Mouth turned, following the directions given to him.

~Isn't that supposed to be a challenge to our masculinity?~

"What?"

~Taking directions?~

*We've worn dresses before.*

"Yeah, and anyway, we're not with the family, and this isn't a road trip."

~Good point.~

Seras burst through the door, panting, looking up at Integra.

"The-the intruder," she huffed. Integra narrowed her eyes. "He escaped." Integra looked down and pulled a drawer open, then calmly picked a cigar from it. "I shot him in the head, but got up and-"

"That will be all, Seras," Integra said, putting the cigar in her mouth. "Thank you."

"Y-yes, sir," Seras managed. She left hesitantly as Integra lit the cigar.  
Integra pulled the smoking cigar away from her mouth and pushed one of the buttons on her phone. "Alucard."

"Ain't nothin' that I'd rather do."

~Goin' down, party time.~

"My friends are gonna be there, too."

~I'm on a "hiiighway to Hell!~"

*Should you two really be singing right now?*

"Why? What's wrong with singing?" Deadpool asked as he pushed the doors to what appeared to be a basement open. The room was massive and empty, an eerie darkness settle around its corners.

~Do you think he's in here?~

"I assume you've come here for me," Alucard said, stepping out into the middle of the room. He wore a wide grin, his glasses throwing light as he looked Deadpool over.

~Yeah, he's here.~

"You're tall," Deadpool commented, pulling his larger guns from their holsters. "And I don't mean, 'an inch above average,' no, you are REALLY tall." Deadpool lifted the guns, aiming at Alucard's head. "I'll just knock you down a bit."

The mercenary held down the triggers, the resulting fire quickly turning Alucard's head into mush. The No Life King stood tall, his grin fading into gore, his body jerking every now and then with stray shots to his chest. When there was nothing left of his head, Deadpool stopped firing and crouched down to reload the guns. Alucard fell heavily backwards, into his own blood. Deadpool tucked the new ammunition into his weapons, the crawly sound of insects already filling the air. The merc looked up and saw Alucard rising by the chest, blood traveling through the air in ribbons and reforming his head.

"Holy crap," Deadpool muttered. "I knew his regeneration was faster than mine, but…"

Alucard stood again at full height, grinning from beneath his pitch hair. He pulled a gun from his coat and aimed it at Deadpool's head.

*I think we should avoid that bullet.*

~Me too.~

"Good idea."

Deadpool got up and sprinted away just as Alucard shot at him. He cried in surprise when he realized his foot was gone. He looked back and saw it as a splatter of gore across the floor.

"Right, we'll have to grow that b-AH!"

Deadpool looked down at the gaping whole in his torso, groping at its edge.

"Huh, well," he muttered, looking up, "I call time out. I need to grow this stuff back."

Alucard pulled out a second gun and aimed them both at Deadpool's head.

~Whelp, so much for time out.~

Deadpool drew his katanas and ran as best he could, listening to the bullets strike and explode behind him. He circled around Alucard, getting closer, then reached out with the katana and cut off the arm with the explosive gun.

"Thank you!" he cried, spearing it with the other sword and taking it with him. Alucard chuckled, still shooting at Deadpool with his other arm, and the severed one began to writhe and change its shape. "Oh no you don't!"

The merc quickly sheathed the right blade and reached forward to grab Alucards arm, still running in a wide circle. He grabbed the black gun and tried to yank it out of the hand, but the fingers had suddenly clenched, refusing to let him have it.

"Damn it, stop being a pain in the ass!" Deadpool shouted, yanking harder.

*Why not shoot him with your gun?*

"His is prettier!" The Yellow Box gasped.

~How dare you insult the girls?!~

"I don't need your sass!"

The arm gave way to a small group of deformed bats who tried to fly away with the gun. Deadpool suddenly leaned back and pushed in the opposite direction, yanking the gun away from them, and with a flourish, he cut any bats still on the weapon in half. He shrieked in surprise when one of the bullets left with half of his face.

*Forgot about that, didn't you?*

~Serves you right, backstabber!~

"Shut up!"

The merc turned the gun on its owner, grinning wickedly with the gore of his face, and pulled the trigger rapidly.

"BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!"

Entire chunks of meat flew off of the vampire and holes were punched through his torso as the clip was briskly emptied. Alucard again fell to the ground, this time with a wet thud. Deadpool stopped, the gun in his hand smoking, his right foot whole again, and the hole in his stomach all but gone. He looked the riddled and bloodied body over, his head tilted slightly to the side.

~Is he dead?~

*I'd be safe, just in case.*

"He isn't moving." Deadpool slowly approached the pool of blood, the gun aimed at what remained of its head. When he got close enough, he touched it with the barrel.

The three of them gasped and Deadpool jumped back, but nothing happened.

"Huh." The mercenary stood up straight and holstered the stolen gun. "You were fun to play with, Bats."

*Don't call him that.*

"Why not?"

~Yeah, I think it's fitting.~

Alucard's body convulsed and Deadpool raised an eyebrow.

"Well, is he dead or not?"

~Somebody get a doctor!~

The blood around him suddenly drew into itself and ran upward, forming a massive, multi-eyed, demonic wolf.

"Paging Doctor Cullen!" Deadpool shouted, backing away. The wolf opened its jaws, exposing two rows of pearly whites, more eyes, and the other gun. "PAGING DOCTOR CULLEN!"

Deadpool lifted the stolen gun and pulled the trigger, but the only thing he got was a hollow click.

~It's empty!~

"No shit, Sherlock!" Deadpool shouted, getting up and pulling out his other katana.

~Slicey-slice won't do any good!~

*Use the girls!*

"I'm not a pimp!"

~You could be.~ The Yellow Box winked.

"Oh, stop it, you," Deadpool said cutely, turning on the growing monstrosity behind him. He startled when his left leg disappeared below the knee. He fell, one of the blades clattering particularly loudly. Deadpool glared up at Alucard.

"Y'know, you invulnerable anime characters are really getting on my nerves!" he shouted. Though all of the hundreds of eyes were looking right at him, he couldn't get an expression from them. The gun was aimed at his right shoulder. "All I do anymore is fight you assholes and get all beat up or beat down or annoyed! Granted, my video game is kickass, but I'm getting tired of this bullshit! You don't even know you're not real!"  
Alucard was almost still for a moment, the edges of his massive form crawling, but the body itself immobile. Deadpool clicked his tongue and shook his head, reaching for his leg.

The rushing sound of something moving really fast caught his attention, and he looked up in time to miss Alucard's face as it latched onto his neck.  
"WHAT THE-?!" Deadpool cried, sitting up and patting himself down. He was whole, and all of his clothes were intact. "What happened?!"

*I don't know…*

In the distance, a black army of screaming men writhed against a pale gray horizon.

~Hey, has anyone else realized that "Alucard" spelled backwards is "Dracula?"~

"Oh. My. God."

*No, he did not notice that.*


End file.
